Pantoum

Through walls, voices of either love or conflict
She knew that’d be the last time seeing him
The snow globe collection is quickly losing water
That tea’s become tepid – better drink it soon

These voices murmur love, either that or conflict
Those 12 letters have gone unanswered
That tea’s getting tepid – better drink it
Cluster of leaves low to the ground, like colliding birds

Those 12 letters going unanswered, babe
Sometimes constellations get confused for jellyfish
Leaves swirl in the wind, feathered birds colliding
They argue for hours, garage door wearing thin

Sometimes, those night waves glow with jellyfish
A true understanding of why he was fed up
They argue for hours, garage doors wearing thin
My lover taught me how to separate the egg yolk

Understand, finally, that he was fed up
Snow globe collection evaporating, fast
My lover showed me how to separate the yolk
Through walls, voices of either love or of conflict.

Dirty Anger Bubble

I recently said this sentence to some friends: I sometimes get so angry for no reason - it's like I'm soaking in a bathtub of anger.

For the first twenty years or so of my life I coped with 98% of my emotions with tears.
The teacher tells me to stop talking during class? Go home and cry.
I get first chair in orchestra? Go home and cry.
Acceptance into the college I wanted? Cry.
Favorite necklace can't be fixed for 3 whole days? Cry in public.

However, somewhere in the past 4 years my brain changed. The knob that once was pointing at: sob uncontrollably is now pointing to: get engulfed with fury - then maybe cry for 30seconds. (This one goes to 11)

I used to pride myself in being able to identify A) what is bothering me in life and B) how I want to fix it and/or understand it better. Now I seem to get swallowed by a wave of furious emotions that come out of nowhere and threaten to drown me.

I've been going back and reading old journals, trying to tap into the old me. I'll even sit down sometimes and try to instigate a "good cry" like I used to indulge in. The best I get is deeper wrinkles around my eyes and mouth from sitting there with a scrunched up face.

Maybe I'll figure it out someday soon. Until then I'll sit in this bath until the water gets tepid - that'll for sure piss me off.

The word "lover" bums us both out

Reasons I'm like Liz Lemon:

1)She is brunette
2) Wears dark-rimmed glasses
3) Is a writer
4) Makes Star Wars allusions in day-to-day conversation
5) Dream man is an astronaut
6) Sits under a blanket at night eating cheese
7) Meat cat = Scout
8) Loves to dance, but does it awkwardly
9) Clueless about men
10) Junk closes up like Fort Knox
11) Talks about being on the toilet
12) Had bad mushroom haircut as a child
13) Hates feet
14) Subscribes to O Magazine
15) Wears a retainer to bed
......

(to be continued)

Same Shit...

...different day.

I revisited the Apocalypse last night.
I rode on a train and watched the city freeze over. The streets peaked towards the sky - San Franciscolike. Cars were stuck on their upward climb and people were emerging from open doors to try and drag their bodies up the hill. It reminded me of the scene from Titanic where the floors are unnaturally vertical.
I watched as a woman tried to hold her daughters hand, but the grip slipped. The small girl fell and fell.
The train passed a Chevy Bronco. It's driver was slumped, dead, in his seat - glassy eyes staring straight at me.

I'm not positive what large change in my life is prompting a new wave of Apocalypse nightmares.
This time I'm confused.

My Boys

I've been working on a series of poems inspired by the Apollo program.
Today I spent several hours (okay, five) reading through & listening to transcripts of the Apollo 11 mission. Almost every word they uttered was recorded for the world to hear.

I've selected my favorite moments. They show the astronauts quirkier/witty sides. They were such serious men you really have to hunt for these quotes - then savor them.
Enjoy!

(Neil Armstrong, Mike Collins, and Buzz Aldrin)

Armstrong: I think today is also the birthday of California, and I believe they are 200 years old, and we send them a happy birthday. And I think it's Dr. Mueller's birthday also, and don't think he's that old.

Collins: Hope none of those meteors come by right now. God, look at that Moon!
Collins: Fantastic. Look back there behind us, sure looks like a gigantic crater; look at the mountains going around it. My gosh, they're monsters.
Collins: That's a horrible window. It's too bad we have to shoot through this one, but - Oh, boy, you could spend a lifetime just geologizing that one crater alone, you know that?
Collins : That's not how I'd like to spend my lifetime, but - picture that. Beautiful!
Aldrin: Yes, there's a big mother over here, too.
Collins : Come on now, Buzz, don't refer to them as big mothers. Give them some scientific name.

After Neil and Buzz boarded the Eagle to make their way to the moon -
Collins: You cats take it easy on the lunar surface. If I hear you huffing and puffing, I'm going to start bitching at you.

Aboard the Eagle before they began their descent -
Aldrin: Trade you that for a piece of gum. There it is.
Aldrin : What do you mean by bringing - bringing CSM trash in here?
Armstrong: Well, that's stuff I had left over in my pocket.

Back together on the Columbia, changing clothes-
Armstrong: You ready for your underwear? Mike - you ready for your underwear? You ready for your underwear?
Collins: Just a minute; yes.

Regarding a roll of tape -
Collins: Let's invent a new home for it because that old home is full of that smelly old urine bag. Collins: Okay, we need a new home for the tape. Anybody got any good suggestions?

Prior to Earth splashdown. Jim Lovell is making fun of all the moondust. Mice were waiting to test the toxicity of the dust -
Lovell: Please don't sneeze.
Collins: Yeah, keep the mice healthy.

Something to think about -

Studies show that a baby smiles 400 times a day. And children up to preschool age laugh about 300 times a day. As adults, we laugh just an average of 15 times a day, if it's an especially good day.

- Karen Salmansohn

Creepy giggling baby. The jerk's got 399 left in his day...

Invasion

She dreamed of him, the first time in three months. The unsettling realization that she'd forgotten the way shoulders curved upward on the words "life's been fine" or the way he breathed just a little bit slower than other people.
She woke, hand searching the emptiness next to her.
She didn't get to say bye, see you soon?
So she got morningready.
When she got to her car it had been broken into. Loose change stolen, radio and notebook of poetry untouched.

More than one person had invaded her personal space that night, uninvited.

Lyrics ofthe Day - for me

Let me go I'm only letting you down
I 've got nothing to say to you now
I lose the feelings that are weighing me down
When I'm safe

It's turning morning all the birds sing
I'm not complicating anything
I'll have another then I'll go to bed
But I'll dream of you

Cause it's almost over
And it's almost gone

And I can feel the sweet illusion, coming
Sweet confusion, honey
Sweet illusion coming down
And I ain't got nothing but love for you now

You and I used to shine like a jewel
But times been nothing to us but cruel
So play it out and never played the fool
Cause you'll lose every time

We were nothing, we were only the past
Hard times like that don't last
I've been forgiven, I've been surpassed
By my heart
Have you?

Cause it's almost over
Yeah it's almost gone

And I can feel the Sweet Illusion coming
Sweet Confusion, honey
Sweet Illusion coming down
And I ain't got nothing but love for you

Love for you I can't use
And lonely nights multiplied by the blues
That I can't resolve

You never knew me but I did my best
I'm just lonely inside I guess
You gave me everything you really tried
Thanks....

If we were nothing and we're only the past
Then I'm just living in a dream I guess
A long black dream that takes me down the river to you

Where it's almost over
And we're almost gone

And I can feel the Sweet Illusion coming
Sweet Confusion, honey
Sweet Illusion coming down

And I ain't got nothing but love for you now

Sweet Illusions
- Ryan Adams -

(Ryan)

Wet

When I write you a love letter it's like I soaked a sponge in emotions and threw it at your face. I watch the liquid drip down. A drop clings to your chin before releasing itself and falling to the ground. I try to saturate you with my love.

Your love letter is on its way - better get a towel.

My boys

My anxiety has been going into overdrive this past week so once a day I try to find one thing to make me happy.

Today I looked up quotes & transcripts of old Beatles interviews.

They are such cheeky buggers - it never gets old.

(love X4)

Press: How does it feel to be putting on the whole world?
Ringo: We enjoy it.
Paul: We aren't really putting you on.
George: Just a bit of it.
John: How does it feel to be put on?

Press: How do you feel about a nightclub called Arthur, named after your hair style?
George: I was proud--until I saw the nightclub.

Press: Does all the adulation from teenage girls affect you?
John: When I feel my head start to swell, I look at Ringo and know perfectly well we're not superman.

Press: Do you like topless bathing suits?
Ringo: We've been wearing them for years.


Press: Paul, you look like my son.
Paul: You don't look a bit like my mother.

Interview in Washington DC - 1964

Question: Here I am, surrounded by the Beatles, and I don't feel a thing. Fellas, how does it feel to be in the United States?
John: It's great.
Question: What do you like best about our country?
John: You!
Question: I'll take that under advisement. Do you have any plans to meet the Johnson girls?
John: No. We heard they didn't like our concerts.
Question: Are they coming to your performance tonight?
Paul: If they do, we'd really like to meet them.
Question: You and the snow came to Washington today. Which do you think will have the greater impact?
John: The snow will probably last longer.
Question: One final question. Have you ever heard of Walter Cronkite?
Paul: Nope.
John: NBC News, is he? Yeah, we know him.
Question: Thanks, fellas. By the way, it's CBS News.
George: I know, but I didn't want to say it as we're now on ABC.
Question: This is NBC, believe it or not.
John: And you're Walter?
Question: No, I'm Ed.
John: What's going on around here?
Question: What do you think of your reception in America so far?
John: It's been great.
Question: What struck you the most?
John: You!
Ringo: We already did that joke when we first came in.
George: Well, we're doing it again, squire!
Question: Why do you think you're so popular?
John: It must be the weather.

The Search is Over

I was at a stop light today and happened to glance at the car next to me.

The man sat at his steering wheel, his eyes glazing over as he watched the red light.
One finger was shoved deep in a nostril digging feverishly. He kept at it for a good thirty seconds.

I glanced at the truck he was driving where the words "Fine Foods: Best Catch in Town" blazed in bold blue letters along with a cartoon salmon.

Apparently a fish wasn't the only thing he was hoping to catch that day...

Poem ofthe Day

Embrace
By Billy Collins

You know the parlor trick.
wrap your arms around your own body
and from the back it looks like
someone is embracing you
her hands grasping your shirt
her fingernails teasing your neck
from the front it is another story
you never looked so alone
your crossed elbows and screwy grin
you could be waiting for a tailor
to fit you with a straight jacket
one that would hold you really tight.

Pure inspiration.

I came across an interview with this man on BBC.
His name is Kevin Connolly and he was born without legs.

After going through life with people staring down at him he turned the tables on the world above and aimed his camera upward. He created The Rolling Exhibition (http://www.therollingexhibition.com/ ) and traveled the world photographing men, women, and children all looking down at him.
Beautiful & poignant photography.
He also wrote a book, "Double-Take,"(http://kevinmichaelconnolly.com/double-take/ ) .

It's been a long time since a story has gripped me by the throat this harshly .
To put it lightly: fucking fantastically amazing.

( http://kevinmichaelconnolly.com/portfolio/travel-assignment/?nggpage=2 )

Carousel

No matter the work we put into ourselves

personal growth
classes
workshops
inner enlightenment
trial n error
textbooks
workbooks
spiritual books
guide books

we are who we are. Maturity is an upward spiral where we continually return to the same patterns - although with hopefully larger space between.
De-ja-vue occurs just as often in relationships as it does walking down a supposedly unfamiliar street.

But that doesn't mean you should stop trying....

Quote ofthe Day

Navin R. Johnson: The new phone book's here! The new phone book's here!

Harry: Boy, I wish I could get that excited about nothing.

Navin R. Johnson: Nothing? Are you kidding? Page 73 - Johnson, Navin R.! I'm somebody now! Millions of people look at this book everyday! This is the kind of spontaneous publicity - your name in print - that makes people. I'm in print! Things are going to start happening to me now.


- The Jerk -

Apocalypse (again)

They have started again - my recurring dreams of the apocalypse.
Last time I was having them (reference July 2009 ) I had a big change coming in my life, so it's no surprise they've started again.

A few weeks ago I watched a charred and smoking truck fall out of the sky, directly in front of my house. It's black metal skeleton sat fuming amidst a destroyed neighborhood background. I sat with my face against a window and counted people as they stumbled - burnt and crispy - from the car. I counted five of them, all leaving trails of smoke behind them as they staggered away.

Last night I stood crying in the middle of an abandoned freeway. The ground was covered in ash and it came to my knees. I was shouting at someone that my suitcase was empty, I was crying.
There was nobody to hear me.

The end of my world is coming....but I've been through this before.

July?

Wow, this month is almost over and I haven't blogged once.

So that's why I wrote this.

PS -

There are still those moments in my life where I feel like one of the unpopular kids in High School. I find myself lifting my shoulders just a little higher and shrinking back just a little further into the shadows- what the hell is up with this? WHY is this still happening?
I'm generally confident, have always been stubborn in who I am, and proud of not giving into peer pressures, yet there I stand - hunched like Boo Radley behind the doorway - wondering why none of the cool kids are talking to me.

Shit's weak man.

Poem ofthe Day

Burnt Out
By Brad Johnson

I point out Orion's belt
but you've still got your gas station sunglasses on.
You're like a dead star whose light reaches us millennia after its
___final fizzle.
It's summer and Orion's a winter constellation anyway.

You've still got your gas station sunglasses on
and haven't said a word since I picked you up.
It's summer. I know Orion's a winter constellation
but I look for it whenever the night is clear.

You haven't said a word since I picked you up.
On the porch, a candle flame leaps from its wick in the
wind.
I looked for you whenever my nights were clear
and now you're here, lifting your leg, tugging your shorts from
___your crotch.

A candle flame on the porch leaps from its wick in the wind
and a star shoots through the sky like the lit match you toss into
___night
before lifting your leg to tug your shorts out of your crotch
while claiming "If something's worth doing once, it's worth doing
___twice."

A star shoots through the sky like the lit match you tossed into
___night.
We're both like dead stars whose light reaches earth millennia after they've
___fizzled
but maybe you're right. If it's worth doing once, it might be worth
___doing twice.
So I point out Orion's belt.

On the Edge

Held above the motionless pool- at the end of a diving board. It was 3am and the moonlight felt like water as she begged not to be thrown in.

Full of it

More and more I find myself wanting to shout at people "you're full of shit"

I'm not exactly sure what this means.....
but it can't be good.