Thursday, January 27, 2011

Dirty Anger Bubble

I recently said this sentence to some friends: I sometimes get so angry for no reason - it's like I'm soaking in a bathtub of anger.

For the first twenty years or so of my life I coped with 98% of my emotions with tears.
The teacher tells me to stop talking during class? Go home and cry.
I get first chair in orchestra? Go home and cry.
Acceptance into the college I wanted? Cry.
Favorite necklace can't be fixed for 3 whole days? Cry in public.

However, somewhere in the past 4 years my brain changed. The knob that once was pointing at: sob uncontrollably is now pointing to: get engulfed with fury - then maybe cry for 30seconds. (This one goes to 11)

I used to pride myself in being able to identify A) what is bothering me in life and B) how I want to fix it and/or understand it better. Now I seem to get swallowed by a wave of furious emotions that come out of nowhere and threaten to drown me.

I've been going back and reading old journals, trying to tap into the old me. I'll even sit down sometimes and try to instigate a "good cry" like I used to indulge in. The best I get is deeper wrinkles around my eyes and mouth from sitting there with a scrunched up face.

Maybe I'll figure it out someday soon. Until then I'll sit in this bath until the water gets tepid - that'll for sure piss me off.

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