Friday, February 27, 2009

A Charade

Want a glimpse into a tiny window of my day?

At one point I was parked at the rear of a grocery store parking lot. Windows open, chair tilted, The Feast of Love by Charles Baxter propped on the steering wheel, and a large tree shading the car.
In the car with me are three, caged, unhappy cats.

A woman parked next to me and got out of her car, prompting the felines to begin their vocal orchestra once again. The woman looked. I smiled and said hello.

Our house was having its annual walk-through. We aren't supposed to have pets....let the charade begin..

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Quote ofthe Day

Stories that seemed endless, the sun pressing against
The windows of the cafe & glinting off the stalled traffic

Just beyond them, this could take a while;
I pass the letter I wrote to you over the sleeping cat & beyond
the iron grillwork, into the irretrievable.

- Larry Levis

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Butterfly Thumbnails

Today I rushed to the bus and plopped down in a seat. I quickly clued in on the man who sat in front of me. He had glasses and the collar peeping from his sweater was plaid. Hellooo
There was a book yawning open in his lap so I stealthily leaned over to see what it was (I always try to see what people are reading on the bus. sometimes I'll attempt a conversation if I've read the book as well, but this rarely goes well).
The pages were glossy and filled with brightly colored thumbnails of butterfly wings. Of course I quietly gasped.
This was about the time he lifted his hand to scratch his face and a gold wedding band winked back at me. Goddamnit.


Miles high wind nudges her bark
covered ant scampered ladder back
& forth, back & forth. She breathes
in the rain cloud she sees squatting,
waterlogged, on the top of
a distant roiling hill.

Blades wait far below, jade, pointed
upward, their individual edges
blurred together from her distance.
The nestle of leaves rubbing bodies
against each other rattles around her.
She wraps a hand tighter around
the slim flakey trunk and moves her
feet. Scrapes further out on a branch.

Wind nudges the swollen cloud closer.
The rain pities its way down
pops, a laugh, as each drop slaps
the leaves. It’s pattering sharp
giggles that bubble all around her
speeding up as the cloud yawns
its mouth open wider & wider.

Like a suffocated owl, damp
feathers smothered in the winds
moist breath, she steps back from
the branch & tries to hug the weak
trunk. Her wide darkmoon eyes search
for you, forgetting you’d climbed
back down yesterday.

Monday, February 23, 2009

Sober One Day. (am I faking it?)

We make our own gravity to give weight to things.
-Ani Difranco

What did I ever use the internet for before facebook? I have no idea what to do with it now. I’ve found myself refreshing missed connections or perezhilton a lot….because these are so much better for my emotional health than fb. Once an addict always an addict eh?

I was smacked with this really intense fear today at work. A mom told me something and I roared with laughter. Then my brain shrieked, “that wasn’t funny!” And I stopped. I hadn’t even realized I’d faked the laughter, it’d just exploded out of me, tilted face, squinted eyes, the whole package.
It’s really scary to recognize my ability to fool even myself.
How often am I faking it? Am I faking life? The funny thing about continually melting in and out of depression and anxiety is the line between functioning & non-functioning is blurred. I can’t tell if I’m really having good days or if I just know I should be having a good day.

I tried to write a poem today in my fish class titled Leaves about a girl who’d climbed to the top of a tree, but it’s proved much more difficult than I’d anticipated.

Hope your day is beautiful.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Lists. On a Lazy Sunday...

Things I Need To Do Today
1. Apply to schools
2. Clean house for inspection
3. Homework
4. Take a shower
5. Not wallow

Things I Have Done Today
1. Realized app deadlines have already passed for half my schools
2. Thrown clothes and papers around the floor looking for my earbuds
3. Driven to three bookstores. Looked for 4 books. Come home empty-handed. Goddamn chainstores suck
4. Not showered...yet?
5. Wallowed. Excessively. The self-indulgent kind that makes you feel utterly selfish.

Sundays are the estranged half-uncle of the weekdays.
--He comes around more often than you'd like, makes you feel uncomfortable and overly aware of how little success you've had in the past week, scratches his face while chuckling--
"Still sitting on your ass I see...well at least that bag of Doritos found a comfortable home in your waistline."
"Maybe you could write the kleenex corporation? Have 'em sponsor you? Could call yourself Team Wallow."

Fucking Uncle Sunday.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009


I guess I should have said "every other annual posting"

Emotional hoo-ha

Well..I suppose it's time for my semi-annual posting.

Don't have much to say except I've had a tsunami of emotions slamming around inside me for a few weeks now. (*coughLindsaycough*) Why did you have to go & be such a good person and go to Namibia for two years? Huh?
I'm looking forward to life quieting down again for a while.
Although then it's easier to hear all the bullshit in my skull.

I'm still not into this whole "blog" thing so I guess I'm done with this post for now.
Maybe I'll be back again a little sooner than last time. Since I have a fan now...
(hi lindsay)