Wednesday, April 29, 2009

It's Like Meeting the Man of Your Dreams

As I sat on the hilltop overlooking the ocean, gulls soaring above & waves sparkling below, I noticed something even more breathtaking in my line of sight: A gorgeous (and shirtless) young man, frolicking in the surf with his dog.
Wistfully looking up at the clouds I daydreamed....
Me(after seductively climbing down the cliff to the sand below): Oh! Hello I didn't see you there. May I pet your playfully charming dog?
McHottie: Why, of course. His name is Scout.
Me: My cat is named Scout!
Us: (Proceed to twirl on the sand and possibly hardcore make out)

My daydream was suddenly broken when the guy started yelling up at me and I realized the dog had scrambled up the hillside and was galloping in my direction. The dog slammed its wet body into me. I looked down at McSexy and he yells "Hey, can you hold her while I grab the leash?"
Pssh...can I hold her...faw...mahoo..hehe...
I start to pet her sopping sandy hair and then flip her tag around. The word Scout jumps out at me and my heart freezes.
I look up to see McShirtless jogging towards me in the flesh. He thanks me while laughing something about a training gone awry and I blurt out "I named my cat Scout!"
He laughs and then.he.says. "Besides To Kill a Mockingbird I've never met another Scout."
I jizzed in my pants. Somehow I managed to say "That's why I chose the name -"
He chuckles "Oh yeah? Me too!"
He thanks me again right as I hear footsteps approaching. I turn to see a young blonde woman walking towards us, with a baby strapped to her stomach.

It's not called ironic Alanis. It's called fucking sucks.

Oh and PS - i'm totally psychic. minus the whole twirling/makingout part...

Thursday, April 23, 2009

I Wonder

when I will stop feeling like a little kid playing "grown-up."

I wonder why reduced-fat Oreos actually taste better than regular.

I wonder when I'll really fall in love.

I wonder if the smell of trash in my room is coming from my open window or from our kitchen.

I wonder if you think of me as much as I think of you.

I wonder why people act happier than they actually are.

Monday, April 20, 2009

I Know It's Immature

but I still laugh at this. Everytime.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009


I decided to explore Highway 1 today.
As I was driving in a particularly desolate and empty portion of the stretch, rolling hills curving around me in every direction, I realized I really had to pee.
I saw a sign for a city. I drove up up up a very windy incline and got to the top of a mountain and then drove down down down it, seeing the town only as mere specks in the valley beyond.
I realized I wasn't going to make it so I turned around and wound back up the mountain. Pulling over twice to find a tree to squat near, I quickly realized that I was on a cliff and any tree I might find was growing directly up out of a dramatic incline.
As I eyed some of the sparse shrubbery near the roadside several cars rushed by, forcing me to admit I'd be seen, bare-assed, by motorists passing by.

So I kept driving. Quickly reaching a breaking point. As I sped through the valley I came upon several fields of agriculture. Then, as I turned a corner I spotted a field full of workers. Next to their vehicle, I saw it, a porta-potty. Like a beacon of hope.
I pulled over onto the gravel, bumped to a dusty stop, and turned off my car. Several of the workers stopped to look at me curiously.
This was about the time I froze.
What was I going to do? Wander out into the field and ask to use their bathroom? Should I just make a run for it and burst into the white rectangle?
I started panicking. What if they didn't speak English?

Precious minutes were ticking by, pressing into my bladder, as I scrambled to construct pitiful sentences from my four quarters of Spanish classes. These are what I dug up - covered in mud and mildew:

Yo necesito usar los banos por favor!
Necesito (hold crotch) muchas ahora!

You don't have to be a fucking genius to know that I turned my key in the ignition and sped away. I felt embarrassed, like they had read my mind and seen my abysmal attempt at Spanish, and were now snickering to each other, speaking fluently. It took me twenty minutes to finally find a bathroom (at a

Buenos noches mi amigos?

Sunday, April 12, 2009


..I miss people when I'm with them.

..I'm homesick while I'm home.

I tend to ruin the moments I'm in the middle of, because I can't tear my thoughts away from what will be. I'm weighed down by the what ifs and how things might be soon be shifted.

Reality can't come into focus because I'm seeing possible-tomorrows too clearly.

This is an infuriating way to live. I'm constantly frustrated with myself and wishing I could be different. But then, this goes along with previous actions, right? If I ignored this buzzing wasps nest of thoughts I incessantly have in my head, then I would be living falsely. This is how I am.
But I piss myself off. And other people in the process.
I'm sorry.

Saturday, April 11, 2009


I've been working on a short-short for fiction class. It involves an older sister walking in on her 14yrold brother attempting to try on a condom.

Not being male, not having male siblings, or any experience with the male species, I decided to run this scenario by a friends boyfriend.
I told him the situation, asked him if he thought it sounded believable.
He paused, looked off in the distance for a moment, before saying "yeah that could happen."
Then he proceeded to smirk and laugh, a little too much like he was remembering something. "Yeah that is definitely something that could easily happen."

If nothing else I learned I don't have to edit a large scene of my story.

On another note, I finally saw Slumdog Millionaire. Haven't felt that depressed in a while.

Happy Easter Egg Day! Stuff yo' face with them peeeeps!

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

I've Been Downhearted Baby

This video is boring as ass

but I love the song.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

5 Things

I Did Last Night

1.) Scooped a soggy slice of sourdough bread out of my toilet. It slopped into chunks as I tried to pick it up. My fingers just sank through the saturated flour & yeast, it felt like I was trying to pick up yogurt. It took me 6 tries to get the entire slice out. It took me 4 tries to wash my hands until I felt "clean"

2.) You.

3.) Saw this band which apparently I'm uncool for having never heard of, but who were really good! They were playing at an Autism fundraising event, which makes them even more likeable. Check it...

4.) Watched a saltine eating contest. Those are the best.

5.) Read the short romance stories by two anonymous and brilliantly talented friends, written for each other, about each other.
Here are some highlights (printed without author permission):

From one story "Unconquerable: A Viking's Love Story"

--She tried to hit him with her other hand but he grabbed it with light ease as well. “So we’re going to do this the hard way,” he whispered as he pinned her to the desk, locking her legs between his. She quickly had to submit to his demanding force. His chest lay against hers and she became all too aware of how close his lips were to hers.

--His tussled hair dripped down against his face. His wet clothes clung to his body, shadowing his muscles at each crease.

From the other story. Untitled....

-- What the fuck had he done to her? She was not the type to sit by and let some guy make her an unfeeling, human skid mark on the underwear of the world.

--Funny that whenever he felt like it wouldn’t matter if he slept throughout the rest of his existence, the universe presented him with a new, irresistible reason to wake up.

I'm friends with goddamn geniuses.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009



You're the father.